I can remember the day specifically – the day I believed that I couldn’t write well. I had the same teacher for all of my core classes except for when it came to creative writing. This teacher assigned us to write a storybook and illustrate it ourselves making a daily life in Colonial Williamsburg sound creative and captivating. Did I mention that I was in fourth grade? Well much to my dismay, after working semi-hard on the assignment, I got the first C I had ever received on any assignment in my whole life, and I was devastated. But the worst part was that I can still remember the look of disappointment on her face when she handed me back the grade with a comment written in it “You could have done better.” That day, I distinctly remember telling myself that I must just not be a good writer and that I could never be a creative writer. Instead, writing became a means to an end – words on paper that I put little effort into… because the truth is, I never believed that I could do more than that.
Fast forward to January of this year, I just really felt the Lord place intentionality on my heart when it came to this business. Why was I doing the things that I was doing? What was its purpose? Was I just giving into the industry’s desire for more pretty and less meaning? Was I doing things for the sake of just doing them? Was it out of a hidden obligation, one that I had self-assigned with no real reimer reason attached to it?
I began to analyze different facets of my business through this newly refined lens of intentionality – searching for a way to just make this dream of mine mean something more than just a few clicks of a shutter, memories captured, and words on a blog that don’t mean anything.
So I stopped. I halted in my tracks. In my mind it was kind of like when I call Mack in on a hot summer day, and from the other side of the yard he comes barreling in at a full sprint, only to remember that he has to change his pace when he gets to the steps, so that he doesn’t face plant. You see, if you’ve spent any time around here, aside from the last 6-9 months, you would know that I blogged regularly about four times a week for almost three years straight. I had different series in mind that would fill up space on the blogging calendar, but if I’m being really honest it was mostly just fluff with a few hidden gems tucked into random places. Now don’t get me wrong, I really did have the best of intentions – and too much deep thought is just not my jam either!
But somewhere along the way, the blog that I once loved became an obligation, and the writing just became another means to an end – meaningless words that hit the blogosphere only to be skimmed past by the friends that actually took the time to read it.
And the worst part? It didn’t even sound like me! I don’t know who that girl was that was typing away behind the screen, but sometimes I didn’t even recognize her, so how are blog readers supposed to know who I am? Here it was… the inner battle of wanting so desperately to be able to share the things that are on my heart, but feeling like I’m not a good enough writer to do so. GUYS! Can I just say how ridiculous it is that I let one grade on a fourth grade assignment dictate so much of my attitude about this? Let me just say this again – IT’S RIDICULOUS!!
Please tell me that I’m not the only one that has ever done this before?! I let one person’s opinion of me define my own worth – and friends our worth is not something to be placed in anyone else’s hands, amiright? So I’m here, writing today to let you know that I’m back. It may be a slow transition, but I promise you, that to the best of my ability moving forward, that this space will not be just empty words, it’ll be thoughtful and intentional.
Because it’s my hope that this little corner of the internet is a space to inspire, educate, and empower. Friends from now on, please hold me accountable to this standard! Because you deserve nothing less…
Basically, I’m back at it again with the intentional blog posts!
And I can’t wait for you to join me!